The Kick Inside
by anyavioletta
Summary: Bellatrix/Sirius. They hated each other with a passion, yet he was the only one who ever truly challenged her; the only one to ever break her. The one who made up her mind for good that she needed to be evil. Oneshot. Language,Inc,SexScene,Abortion


**A/N: Yes, so after my adamance that I would never write fanfiction here after TGM, here I am again. I know that there will be mixed feelings about this fic, and I'm expecting that. Please know that I'm not one for incest either, it's just that (for some strange reason) the idea of Sirius/Bellatrix has always somewhat intrigued me. **

**Also, if you're looking for a romance, this isn't it. But be warned: there is a sex scene.**

**So, without further ado, here is the product of a sleepless night.**

* * *

**_This kicking here inside  
Makes me leave you behind.  
No more under the quilt  
To keep you warm.  
Your sister I was born.  
You must lose me like an arrow,  
Shot into the killer storm._**

**- 'The Kick Inside,' Kate Bush**

* * *

The Kick Inside

They had grown up together. Every Friday, she would be at his house or he at hers for their weekly family gatherings. He never payed her too much attention; he didn't like how loud her mouth was; how manipulative she was; how much she represented everything that he despised; how Black she was.

Worst of all, he hated how much of himself he saw in her.

She herself would throw a few scathing comments every now and then in his direction; blood-traitor, 'Black' sheep of the family being amongst her favourites. Other than that, she seemed to accept their unspoken agreement to avoid each other.

At school things were even better. On the quidditch pitch, he would aim bludgers at her, in class she would throw the occasional hex in his direction.

Even in school they would spend their Friday evenings together- in detention.

'Cousin? she said sweetly.

'I'm not your cousin. I'm not part of the family, remember?' he muttered irritably, leaning back on the back two legs of his chair.

She regarded him with a smirk.

'You'd better watch your attitude. Aunt Walburga said she'd blast you off the family tree if you didn't watch yourself.'

He let out a dark bark of a laugh.

'Good,' he said darkly. 'The sooner the better. I'm leaving these holidays. I'm getting my stuff, and leaving. You won't be able to call me cousin ever again.'

The slightly manic smile left Bellatrix's face suddenly and she regarded him seriously.

'Don't joke like that. Once you've been blasted off, you won't be re-accepted,' she said seriously, her gray eyes looking directly into his.

He laughed and put his hands as a rest for his head.

'Good. That's _exactly_ what I want.'

He looked up to the clock.

'Ah, well, what do you know? Detention's over.'

Bellatrix looked up. Although she despised him, she couldn't help feeling a little disappointed- at least he was good to argue with. Much better than Regulus or the others who merely parroted what they had been taught without any conviction.

She was different; she was _passionate_ about blood purity. She truly _believed _it and as much as she scorned his belief in the opposite, he too was passionate about it and she thrived on this passion.

'Well, I would stay and talk,' he said, slinging his satchel over his shoulder, 'but I got a hot date,' he smirked, running a hand through his shiny black hair and sauntering out of the room in his usual self-assured walk.

xxx

One day, after a similar detention, curiosity killed the cat. She was curious about him and his girls. No one particular girl seemed to last long and he never showed any interest. She couldn't blame him; she felt the same way about boys. She had lost her virginity young, wanting to get rid of the 'hindrance' (as she called it), but had never wasted any of her precious time on dates and trying to 'get to know' any specific boy. She knew where her life was heading. She would join Lord Voldemort when she finished school and devote her life to his cause; her passion. Arrangements such as marriage would hold her back. She planned to remain unmarried.

So, on that day, detention ended in a similar way. She followed him out of the room and they walked silently down the corridor until they came to the divide between Slytherin and Gryffindor.

There were no parting words; no exchanged glances. He merely walked off as though he had never spent the past three hours with her. She too was going to go back to her common room and study more from her newly acquired book 'The Darkness Within' when she heard a giggle, his laugh, and then the door to an empty classroom shutting from behind her.

She hesitated, but then wanted to see- just to see what kinds of standard he set when it came to his girls.

Tentatively and cautiously, she crossed into the way which led to the 'Gryffindor' common room and came to the door. Slowly, she peeked through the window. She rolled her eyes at his choice of girl- Lilian Thwaites (a Ravenclaw slut, in her opinion).

He was leaning against the teachers' front desk casually, a flirtatious smile gracing his lips…

They had the same lips as her and she felt a twinge in her stomach as she realised that that was the same smile she wore when flirting with a boy; when trying to seduce someone.

She held her breath as she saw Lilan approaching him with what she was sure was an attempt to look seductive. He pulled her to him and kissed her slowly, wasting no time as his hands slid down to the hem of her skirt.

Bellatrix knew that she shouldn't have stayed; that she shouldn't have cared or wasted her time to watch her cousin getting some…

That she should have used her time better by getting some pleasure herself, but she couldn't help it.

She hated him, yet that didn't mean that she couldn't appreciate that he was beautiful, just like she knew she was.

They could thank their forefathers for their looks. She did, it helped her a lot in getting her way with weaker men.

And she really couldn't help registering his beauty as she saw Lilan casting aside his shirt; revealing his body which looked as though it was sculpted from marble…

But suddenly, as she saw them getting closer to sex, she turned around and ran back to her dorm.

Some things were too close for comfort.

xxx

After that day, she avoided him at all costs. Soon, they finished their OWLs and then their fifth year was over. As usual, their family threw a ball to celebrate the return of the Black children from school.

Sirius disappeared very early into the evening. Bellatrix merely noticed his absence and went on dancing with the other boys and men whom she was presented with.

This time, however, her family had another announcement to make which had nothing to do with her returning to school.

The guest were dining and she was trying to ignore Rodolphus Lestrange whom she was seated next to when her father stood up and tapped his champagne glass.

She listened politely to his speech, but did not really take much in until she heard her name:

'… and now I have an important announcement regarding our eldest daughter, Bellatrix. An engagement was settled today between her and Rodolphus Lestrange of the Lestrange family and we could not be happier or prouder to join our two great families together in this union.'

She stared at her father numbly as she heard this and then her world went silent. People congratulated her, hugged her, shook her hand… and she merely sat there, staring ahead of her.

How could they betray her like that? She wanted to be independent, not to be the wife of anyone. She wanted to devote herself to the cause of the Dark Lord, not a husband.

And she knew that she _would_ marry Rodolphus, because it was expected, and she would not disappoint her family.

But they had disappointed her and as well as she hid this disappointment in front of the other guests, she escaped from the room as soon as she could and ran up the stairs to her balcony, gasping great breaths of air, not wanting to succumb to the weakness of tears.

'So,' a voice drawled to the side of her. She let out an involuntary gasp and turned to see Sirius, sitting on the corner of marble ledge, smoking a cigarette, his tie undone, 'you and Rodolphus, huh?'

Bellatrix stiffened and turned her back to him.

'It's none of your business,' she said primly.

'I thought you didn't _want_ to get married... you know, 'devote yourself to evil' and all,' he continued, taking another drag of his cigarette and rolling his eyes at her.

'_Accio cigarette,' _she snapped.

One of his cigarettes flew over to her, she caught it and lit it hastily, drawing in and gratefully inhaling the calming smoke.

'I see,' he said quietly. 'Tell me, Bella; you hate being told what to do. So why are you accepting this?'

'Leave me alone,' she snapped.

'Oh come on. You can come up with better retorts than that,' he said, smirking as he knew that she was on the verge of losing her temper with him.

She rounded on him and strode up to where he was.

'And what about you?' she fumed. 'Weren't you meant to be gone yet?'

'I've set the date. I have to make sure I do this properly,' he said assuredly. 'Don't worry. By the end of these holidays I'll be gone from your family.'

Bellatrix swallowed at this.

Sirius surveyed her.

'Lestrange is some ten years older than you, isn't he?'

She looked away and leant on the balcony, drawing again from the cigarette.

'Do you even _know_ him?' he asked, sounding disgusted.

Her silence confirmed his suspicions and he smiled a bitter smile.

'It seems to me, Bella dear, that you're in quite a fucked up situation… at least I'm _doing_ something about my own one.'

She suddenly seized the front of his shirt.

'And what do you suggest I do?' she hissed, glaring into his eyes. 'Come on, genius, give me a solution.'

He stared into her eyes in shock and said nothing.

She snorted in disgust.

'That's what I thought,' she said, shaking her head at him.

She went to leave but he grabbed her arm.

'You can get out of it too,' he whispered in a low voice.

And, for a split moment, the suggestion was highly appealing to her.

But then she remembered herself.

'No, I can't. I don't want to,' she said defiantly, looking him in the eye.

He smiled a bittersweet smile.

'Well then you've fucked yourself up and no one else can help you,' he said simply.

She lingered and they stared at each other.

'I hate you so much,' she muttered.

'The feeling's mutual, dear cousin,' he said ironically.

She smiled a little as they continued to stare at each other and then, at the same time, they both grabbed at each other, pulling the other to them and locking their lips hungrily. He pressed her into the balcony ledge as her hands sunk into his hair and tugged him closer to her as their tongues attacked each other with a metallic edge.

They separated suddenly as they heard voices from underneath them and they turned momentarily to see their fathers walking outside, smoking cigars.

Bellatrix licked her lips and turned to him suddenly, her breathing shallow.

'Come with me,' she whispered, grabbing his hand and running with him through the corridors of her house until she reached her room.

She opened it quickly and slammed it shut behind her as they kissed again, making their way haphazardly to her bed. They fell on it together.

Neither could understood what they were doing. If someone had suggested that they go with one of their other cousins, they would have been both scandalised and offended at the vulgarity of the suggestion...

But this was different.

They were both twisted and dark, deep inside, and it was the only little thing they had in common, yet was enough to make them an exception to their rule.

It was more; it made the thirst, the yearning which they had for each other even more intense; even _stronger._

He lifted her gown off her quickly, tossing it to the side before returning his lips to her neck almost immediately. She worked on his shirt with nimble fingers, her breathing becoming quicker by the second as her thirst to _feel _him intensified with his kisses.

She returned her fingers to his hair and yanked him back to her lips. She felt a twist in her stomach as she heard him groaning at the pain and pleasure which he received from this.

And his actions became quicker now; more urgent.

He practically ripped her bra off her chest and his hands were rough as they slid down to her breasts, contracting over them with such force that Bellatrix failed to stifle her cry into his shoulder.

As he continued to knead at her breasts, her hands became frantic as they worked on his pants and undoing the buckle. She escaped his lips to rid him of them and, as soon as they joined her dress on the floor, she felt him pulling her back forcefully; his lips attacking hers once again.

Now all that was left was her underpants. She felt him against her, his knees nudging her legs to part. She let out a moan as he trailed his urgent kisses down her chest, to her stomach until he reached the obstruction which was her underwear and deftly removed them.

It was at that moment that they stared at each other in the realisation of what they were about to do. She reached out for him, but then suddenly stopped as they both stiffened at the sound of Narcissa's voice.

'Bella? Bella? Where are you?'

'Turn off the lights,' Sirius hissed, unable to find his own wand.

Bellatrix quickly found her wand and they were suddenly engulfed in darkness.

'Bella?' the calling continued, becoming louder.

They both seized in tension as the door opened.

'Bella? Are you here?'

Their hearts stopped beating for those few seconds in which Narcissa lingered at the door and they both sighed in relief when the door finally shut.

This time, Bellatrix took care of things better:

'Silencio,' she muttered, pointing to the door.

And, as soon as her wand was back on her bedside table, she climbed on top of Sirius, straddling him.

'You forgot one option,' she whispered in his ear. She could feel his tension as she hovered her entrance just over to him.

'You could make me forget,' she continued, kissing his ear as she sunk onto him.

They both groaned at this and paused for only a moment before Sirius had rolled on top of her and was moving in and out of her steadily, plunging more deeply into her with each movement.

Their breaths filled the room until Bellatrix let out a loud gasp when he hit that spot which no one else had been able to reach before. She dug her nails into his back as she arched her back to be closer to him. He groaned and continued to move steadily, continually, hitting that same spot, causing her moans to become louder and more desperate as she felt waves of intense pleasure rippling throughout her body.

It was as her lips found his neck hungrily and desperately that he clutched at her shoulders, groaning loudly, and sunk his head to the space between her neck and shoulder, his movements slowing down.

For a moment, they both lay, unmoving and still inside each other as their breathing and heart rates slowed down. After what seemed like an age, he withdrew from her, making her feel strangely empty, and lay back on the pillow next to her.

'At least you got one proper fuck before marrying Lestrange,' he said drily.

She laughed a little, as drily as his comment.

'We'll be leaving soon,' he said. 'I should go back now…. So should you, seeing as Cissy was looking for you.'

'This isn't going to happen again, is it?' Bellatrix said, half hoping that he would say yes, half hoping that he would deny her.

'No. Never, but I have to give you some credit; you're not bad,' he said.

She could hear the smirk in his voice.

'I'm sure I'm the best you've ever had,' she said, also sitting up and starting to dress. 'But you'd never admit it- what, with your 'Gryffindor pride' and all.'

'Just like you'll never admit that I was your best,' he added.

She paused- he had a point.

'No one can ever find out,' she suddenly said, seriously.

He laughed; again that dry, short bark.

'Don't worry. This isn't exactly the kind of shag I think I'd want to brag about.'

She fell silent.

'I still hate you,' she said, as she felt him standing up.

'Good,' he said, holding a hand out to pull her up. 'I hate girls who think that a fuck means it's 'true love'. Glad to know that we see eye to eye on that point.'

They came to the door.

'When are you leaving?'

'Start of next month.'

She nodded slowly before holding out her hand.

'Goodbye Sirius Black.'

He looked at her a little incredulously.

'I don't say goodbye that way,' he whispered.

He grabbed her waist and kissed her with as much fervour as he had before, before separating from her.

'Goodbye Bella.'

And with that, he left her.

* * *

Bellatrix could not understand what happened to her over the following weeks. She started throwing up in the mornings, had no appetite…

And her period, which had never, ever been late, was three weeks late.

One morning, in yet another breakfast during which she ate nothing, she realised what her affliction was when her father mentioned that they were to visit Orion and Walburga's house for lunch.

She had pushed any thoughts of Sirius from her mind ever since that evening. She was good at that. It happened, but she was not going to go over the details. It was over and that was that.

But she was now pregnant with his child- it could only be his- and that meant that it very much was not over.

And now she didn't know what to do. She was the pride of her family! How could she disgrace them with a child? Disgrace herself? Ruin her plans and chances in life with a child with her cousin?

Her _blood-traitor_ cousin whom she hated and who hated her, no less?

xxx

He did not come downstairs to greet them when they arrived at his house, but she knew that he had not run away yet, for his name was still on the tapestry. Regulus spoke with them and she listened restlessly until she excused herself to the bathroom.

She had never been inside his room, but she figured it would be somewhere up the stairs. Tentatively, she ventured up the stairs and then she knew where to go:

She heard loud music emanating from above her; muggle music.

_Your cruel device  
Your blood, like ice  
One look could kill  
My pain, your thrill_

She really wanted to kill him. It was his entire fault. She grimly thought that his reaction had better, for once, be helpful because if he blew her off now, she really would kill him.

_I want to love you but I better not touch  
I want to hold you but my senses  
Tell me to stop  
I want to kiss you but I want it too much  
I want to taste you but your lips  
Are venomous poison_

She wanted to kill him just for listening to that ridiculous music of his which was only getting louder, the higher she climbed the stairs. She finally reached his door, labelled 'Sirius' and was covered with posters of muggle bands and, to her disgust, bikini models.

Muggle models, no less.

_You're poison running through my veins  
You're poison, I don't want to  
Break these chains_

She did not bother knocking. She opened the door, covering her ears at the level of loudness which his music was playing at.

_Your mouth, so hot  
Your web, I'm caught  
Your skin, so wet  
Black lace on sweat_

'SIRIUS!' she screamed, seeing him lying on his bed, reading through a magazine with some form of bike on its cover, seemingly unperturbed by the loudness of his music which was currently blasting her eardrums.

_I hear you calling and its needles  
And pins I want to hurt you just to hear you  
Screaming my name  
Don't want to touch you but  
You're under my skin  
I want to kiss you but your lips  
Are venomous poison_

She stalked up to him and hit him. He looked up at her suddenly, in shock.

He sat up.

'Turn it off,' she shouted, though she was sure he couldn't understand her over the music.

Nonetheless, he nodded and walked over to the record player.

_You're poison running through my veins  
You're poison, I don't wanna  
Break these chains  
Poison…_

He switched it off and Bellatrix registered that her ears were ringing eerily in the strange silence.

'Why do you listen to that shit?' she snapped, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

'It is _not_ shit,' he said irritably. 'What do you want here?' he asked irritably.

She looked around his room and suddenly realised that it was very tidy… as though everything had been packed away.

'Look,' he interrupted. 'I'm meant to be leaving in… ah! Ten minutes, so spit whatever you have to say out because I don't have time for this.'

Her gaze snapped up to him and she felt herself burning with both shame and anger.

'You bastard!' she shouted at him, slapping him. 'It's all about _you_. You think you can just fuck me and leave me…'

'Whoa,' he said, holding up a hand. 'We agreed that it was just a one-off…'

'I'm fucking pregnant,' she interrupted, glaring at him. 'Don't think I wanted any _more_ from you. But you're going to help sort this out.'

She derived some pleasure from seeing the blood draining from his face at her words.

He suddenly looked at her.

'How do you know it's mine?' he said suspiciously.

'Do you think I'd debase myself in front of _you_ if it was anyone else's?' she asked incredulously.

He took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair.

'Fuck,' he breathed. 'You're…. sure?'

'Yes, I'm fucking sure, you stupid wanker. Do you think I would…'

He nodded quickly.

'Right. We have to get it aborted,' he said standing up.

She stared at him and he looked at her weakly.

'Please don't tell me you want to keep it,' he said, sounding as though he was about to be sick.

She suddenly felt taken aback.

'Aborted?' she frowned.

It sounded like… getting rid of it. But that wasn't possible, was it?

'You know… well, no you don't. You hate muggles, don't you? It's what muggles do when they don't want to keep a baby.'

'What happens to it?' she asked suspiciously.

He looked faintly hysterical.

'What do you fucking think, Bella? It _kills_ it.'

She blinked.

'Muggles _kill _their children?'

Sirius looked at her in disbelief and then crossed his arms.

'Do _you_ have any better suggestions?'

She opened her mouth and then closed it.

'No,' she admitted, conceding defeat for once.

'Right,' he said, crossing the room and picking up his jacket. 'Let's go.'

'Now!' she exclaimed, feeling panic gripping her.

'When else? I'm leaving soon. The sooner the better.'

'But…'

He turned and stared at her, waiting.

She didn't know why, but the idea of _killing_ her own child seemed so terrible- even for her- that she could not believe that Sirius (who was meant to stand for the 'noble side') was even suggesting it.

It seemed so barbaric.

But then she thought of her family, her shame, and her ruined life if she chose to keep it and realised that she had to do this.

She had no choice.

'Okay,' she nodded unsteadily. 'Let's go.'

xxx

They sat silently in the waiting room. He had spoken to the receptionist and organised it all and she hated him for it; she hated not being independent; she hated the idea that she was relying on _muggles_ and that they were about to kill her child.

Now, he sat next to her, his gray eyes staring at the opposite wall with a hard expression which looked angry. He had not spoken to her since they left the house and she hated him even more.

It was as though he was blaming _her_ for this.

She herself sat stiffly in the chair, her hand resting subconsciously where her child probably was. She faintly wondered if it was a boy or a girl; what it would grow up to look like…

She thought that he or she must look similar to them; it would be good-looking, that much was certain.

And then it would definitely be smart and powerful… and a Slytherin. She was sure that this was one of her strongest traits and that it would come up in their child too.

In any case, she was sure that Sirius himself had some Slytherin in him, but he had merely repressed it as much as he could.

Her musings over her unborn child, however, were rudely cut short as she heard her name being called:

'Bellatrix Black.'

She looked to Sirius who merely glanced at her.

'We have to go,' she said to him.

'We? It's you,' he said, sounding a little incredulous.

'You have to come!' she said, feeling panicky again and rather faint at her nervousness. 'They're muggles! I don't know muggle speak!'

He glared at her and, sighing, stood up and followed her to where the nurse was waiting.

xxx

She felt like she was in some torture chamber; with the surgical white room and strange table with the metal extensions for her feet. Sirius stood in the corner, his face still drawn in that hard, tense expression.

She had never felt more vulnerable; more frightened in her life.

And Bellatrix Black scorned fear.

'Now,' the nurse said flatly, 'are you sure this is what you want to do?'

She was already holding some contraption which was cylindrical. Bellatrix's eyes widened as she saw it and looked to Sirius in her panic, hoping that he would find another solution, or realise that this was a terrible idea.

But he merely gave a curt nod and fixed his stare on the opposite wall.

'Very well then,' the nurse said, placing the tube she was holding at Bellatrix's entrance.

'What do you think you are doing?' Bellatrix said, sitting up and glaring at the woman for touching her there.

'Bella, it's the procedure,' Sirius said irritably.

Bellatrix swallowed and hated that he was being so distant.

Could he not find it in his heart to help her now? She would not ask for it, but wasn't it obvious that she needed it?

The nurse cast her a dubious look before inserting the tube into Bellatrix. Bellatrix could not hold back her tears when the nurse turned on the vacuum suction. When it was all over, she was covering her face with her hands and was crying.

For the first time since she was a little girl, broken.

'Wait here for half an hour and then you can leave,' the nurse said to Sirius. 'She could get some bleeding or cramping…that's natural.'

And with that, the door shut and Bellatrix and Sirius were alone.

He was so shocked to see her crying.

'Bella?' he asked hesitantly.

She wiped her eyes hastily and took a deep breath.

'Get me out of here,' she said unsteadily.

'But…'

'Get me out!' she shrieked, feeling possessed.

He stared at her before nodding. She dressed quickly and, after he checked that the coast was clear, he led her quickly out of the clinic.

xxx

He sat her on a bench, holding her to him and whispering reassuring words as her tears began to subside and her breathing steadied.

'It'll be okay,' he whispered, kissing her forehead. 'Just...'

She suddenly stood up and slapped him.

'Wh…'

'I hate you,' she shouted at him. 'How _dare _you make me go to that horrible place. How _dare _you make me go through all that, alone, when it was just as much your child? You disgust me,' she shouted.

He opened his mouth again, and she slapped him again, more tears streaking her cheeks.

They stared into each others eyes; his were helpless and desperate, hers were crazed, wide with fear, and glassy with tears.

'I hate you,' she whispered, her tears sliding down to her lips which wer red from her crying. 'I hate you.'

'Bella...' he tried hopelessly, reaching out to her.

She spared him one last scathing look before she turned on her heel and, before he could say anything else, she had apparated (she had learnt it illegally) back to Grimmauld Place.

She excused herself from lunch, making up some excuse about feeling ill.

She wasn't questioned.

xxx

That afternoon, Bellatrix Black curled in a ball on her bed and cried the last tears she would ever cry.

She was filled with such hatred for anything to do with Muggles and Sirius that she saw the rest of her life very clearly:

She felt any warmth in her heart draining to nothing but coldness and darkness, her mind slipping to the giddy and elated state of manical, possessed madness.

She was empty and would never feel whole again. The only of easing her pain which she could see was to avenge those who had made her feel that empty.

And revenge would be sweet.

* * *

**A/N: ****For the sake of this story, Sirius and Bellatrix are the same age, and Alice Cooper's 'Poison' was released much earlier (instead of 1989).**

**Reviews, as always, are much appreciated.**

**Love Anya**

* * *


End file.
